I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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