Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
