woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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