you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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