I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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