you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
