I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
