Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
