I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
