I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
