This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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