That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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