Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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