I met the friendliest cop last night
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
