Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
