ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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