wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
