I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
