Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
