I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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