i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
