i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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