shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
