I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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