he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
