If that was your dad, he is hot
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
