pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
