oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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