If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
