When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize