I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
