Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
