After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
