Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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