i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
