If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
