I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
