my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
