She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
This toilet bowl is my home.
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