Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
