I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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