I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
