i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
