dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
