I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
