Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
