apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
