so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
