Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
