My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
