So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize