you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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