Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
