Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your penis caused this!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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