She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
