I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
