4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
