I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
