Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
