smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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