Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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