I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
So drunk its hurt
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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