i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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