dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
