We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
