Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You took a bar mat shot.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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